Heart, hustle and muscle coming from the ball boy down the 3rd base line at Wrigley today. Never take a day off.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Get It Son!
Heart, hustle and muscle coming from the ball boy down the 3rd base line at Wrigley today. Never take a day off.
See Ya Later, Jonny
Inside TV-Oliver was talking to EW ahead of his three-month stint standing in for Jon Stewart as host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show while Stewart is directing his first movie, the dramaRosewater. Although Oliver will start fronting the show this coming Monday, the British comedian said that he has not been honing his host persona in demo shows. “No, because we have to do actual shows,” said Oliver, who in addition to his regular onscreen role as “correspondent” is one of the show’s writers. “There’s no real time. There is enough time in the day for us to produce a show and not more than that. The first demo show is going to be the first show.”
I don't watch much TV and I don't stray much from the stuff I do watch. I know what I like. My TV viewing is mostly limited to these shows: Live sports, Seinfeld, The Big Bang Theory (judge me, I dare you. Kaley Cuoco's tits are the real deal), Game of Thrones and The Daily Show. And in case you've been living under a rock, Jon Stewart will be taking a break this summer to direct his first movie over in the Middle East. For my money, Stewart is the best late-night host in the business. He's just so damn good. Not only is he funny, but he's legit one of the smartest people on the planet. Just intellectually rips everybody in the smartest way possible.
This post doesn't really have a point other than I'm going to miss the shit out of Stewart over these next couple of months. Alongside coffee, he's my daily stand by. Always there to make me laugh like a little girl despite whatever shittiness the world throws my way. Sure, I like Jon Oliver. He's going to do a great job. He's talented, smart, and more than equipped with that great staff of writers to hold down the fort the next couple of months. I just know I'm going to miss getting my daily Jon Stewart fix. Yes, it's safe to say I have a man crush on Mr. Stewart.
Have fun, Jonny. I'll be awaiting your return.
PS- Seriously, if you have a problem with me staring at Kaley Cuoco's chesticles for 22 minute stretches then you might have the gay. The show is fucking funny to boot.
LeBron Makes Excuses After Game 1 Loss
Classic LeBron right here. Things don't go his way so he has to make excuses. Isn't this the same guy who made fun of Dirk Nowitzki a couple years ago during the Finals for saying he was sick? LeBron is the world's biggest hypocrite. I know he had a triple double last night but for him to come out and play the "I was tired" card is such a pussy move. Yeah, you played a 7 game series against a tough Indiana Pacers squad. So? Get over it. You're the best player on the planet. Do you think Michael Jordan would be crying after last night's loss? Of course not. He'd be using the loss as fire to drive his homicidal bloodlust for winning. Face it, LeBron. The Spurs and Tony Parker made more plays down the stretch and that's why you lost. You wanna not be tired? Then take care of business and finish off the Pacers in 4 games like the Spurs did to the Grizzlies. It's that simple.
This fucking guy.
Wake Up with Giada De Laurentiis
I didn't know this chick existed until I saw her on Conan last night absolutely killing it in a red dress. Apparently she's some sort of personality on the Food Network. To me, she's Italian Natalie Portman with bigger cans. I'll take it.
Here's her apperance on Conan last night. SMOKE.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
And The Cubs 2013 First Round Pick Is......Kris Bryant
Love the pick. Absolutely love it. Welcome to the Chicago Cubs, Mr. Bryant. Sure, the Cubs farm system is a barren desert when it comes to high ceiling starting pitchers and with Jonathan Gray still on the board it had to be a tough choice between Gray and Bryant but the Cubs nailed it. Bryant led all college players in home runs this season and has the most power potential of any bat in the draft and could develop into the Cubs future third baseman or outfielder. Josh Vitters, you've officially been put on notice.
Bud Selig killing the hair game per usual.
Miss you, Kerry.
Hawk Harrelson Went Silent For a Full 40 Seconds After Kyle Seager's Grand Slam Last Night
So funny. Hawk Harrelson is so butt hurt during this clip and I love it. He just can't come to grips with what happened. I wouldn't be surprised if he was chugging whiskey from a flask during that silence as Steve Stone looked on in horror.
This clip leads me to a question though: How does Hawk still have a job? His job is to provide play-by-play, not just sit and pout like a little kid whenever his beloved White Sox do something stupid. White Sox fans will say, "He's just passionate, that's all" or "That's just Hawk". Fuck that. Do your job. Did you see Big Cat take the night off after the Blackhawks lost Game 3? I didn't think so.
Smoking Alcohol Is A Thing? Smoking Alcohol Is A Thing
People are fucking crazy and this is proof. Listen, I'm Irish and I love to drink. I'm not here to pass judgement on anybody that loves to get hopped up on the sauce. I'm all for facing enough Jameson to kill an adult rhino. I'm all for bonging beers until my liver screams for mercy. Hell, get me drunk enough, pour me a few tequila shots, and I'll show you the definition of blacked out. But smoking alcohol? Call me old fashioned but that's the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard of. And the way the article makes it sounds is people are doing it for weight loss purposes. Shit, drink a Miller 64 or something like Pres and Nomar. You don't need to free base Ciroc in order to lose weight. Whenever the words "the alcohol goes straight to the brain" and "doesn't lose any of its potency" are involved, I'm out faster than a fat kid in dodgeball. I'll just continue pounding Bud Lights, building up my glorious beer belly and holding onto my brain cells. What will people think of next?
With all of that said, I can't hate on the innovation. If you're not moving forward, you're falling behind. It's just bat shit crazy is all.
While On A Run Woman Gives Birth To A 6 Pound Baby, Claims She Didn't Even Know She Was Pregnant
There's a few layers to this story:
1. The obvious question: How the fuck did this chick not know she was pregnant? Listen, I'm no expert on the female body and don't claim to be but I'm pretty sure there are some tell tale signs when they're pregnant. We've all gotten the scary as hell "I'm late" text. This chick never once said to herself, "Hey, I haven't had my period in about 8 months, that's kind of weird" or "Man, I've been training for this marathon and I still have a belly! What gives?". I just don't get it. But that leads us to the next point....
2. Her husband had a vasectomy 4 years ago? Hmmmm that's curious. The most telling part of the interview was at the very end. When they're discussing how on earth it was possible for a guy with a vasectomy to slip one past the goalie the chick starts talking about how doctors gave her statistics on the unlikely hood of it and then she says: "Somebody needs to be here to let him know when he gets here cause he won't believe me". Is it possible he won't believe her because she has a history of sleeping around?
Verdict: I call bullshit on this whole thing. This chick knew she was pregnant the whole time. She was just too scared to tell her husband because, um, he had a vasectomy and he would know it wasn't his because he HE GOT A FREAKING VASECTOMY. This chick decided that if she ignored the pregnancy it would magically go away. If I'm the husband, I'm making her get a paternity test so fast it's not even funny.
Gotta love this CNN lady not believing a word the chick is saying.
PS- Someone needs to tell the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant chick that the saying goes "Hindsight is 20/20" not "Hindsight is 100%". My biggest pet peeve is when people butcher commons sayings. You're suspect.
Suicide Territory: Woman Lets Old Lady Cut In Front Of Her To Buy Lotto Ticket, Old Lady Promptly Wins Biggest Jackpot Ever
Mindy Crandell can feed CNN the "everything happens for a reason" line all she wants but I'm not buying it. You just missed out on 590 million dollars! You just missed out on never having to work again and being able to travel around the world as many times as you want! There's no coming back from that. It's suicide or bust. And then Crandell's 10 year old daugher has the balls to say, "Sometimes it's better to be patient than rich". Umm you're 10 fucking years old. What do you know about life? Nothing, that's what. Your life would've been a billion times better had your Mom boxed out Gloria Mackenzie at the grocery store. Trust me, there's pent up anger inside Mindy Crandell right now and it's only a matter of time before it's unleashed. Every person in Florida should be on red alert for when Mindy finally snaps.
One more thing. This story has personally effected me. From here on out, I'm never allowing someone to cut in front of me for anything. Not in traffic, not at Starbucks, not anywhere. I used to be like Seinfeld, always waving everybody in. Well not anymore. Mindy Crandell and Gloria Mackenzie ruined it for everybody.
If The Cubs Don't Draft This Guy Tonight I'm Gonna Be Pissed
PS- My go to batting stance when playing softball is the Sammy Sosa circa 1998 but you can bet your ass the next time I step into a batters box I'm breaking out The Buccilli right in the pitchers eye.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Guy Steamrolls Kid Going For A Home Run Ball
Um bro, you just killed a kid. You should probably find yourself a safe house or a relative close by. Lay low for awhile, because you're probably wanted for murder.
An 84 Year Old Woman Won The $590 Million Jackpot? That Sucks
(CNN) -- An 84-year-old Florida woman claimed the second-biggest U.S. lottery jackpot Wednesday and will pocket a $370 million lump sum before taxes, state lottery officials announced.
How pissed is Gloria Mackenzie right now? You finally catch your huge break in life, become an overnight millionaire and you're 84 fucking years old when it happens. Brutal. I guess she can go on an absolute tear for the next 18 months or however long she has left. Buy everything, do a bunch of blow and die in a fiery wreck during a police chase in her new Ferrari Testarossa. That's what I'd do. Go out like a boss. But if I'm being honest, I wouldn't even be buying lottery tickets at her age because of the off chance I might actually win. It's like the weirdest form of self torture: "Oh great, I have all of this money and no time to spend it. Fuck".
The funniest part of the article:
Mackenzie turned down the 30-year payout and took the smaller one-time amount, O'Connell said.
Oh, no shit?
Justin Bieber's Miami Heat Hat From The Other Night? Yeah, It Cost $450
That's not a joke. The weird ass looking hat that Bieber was rocking the other night at the Pacers/Heat game cost 450 dollars. How is that even possible? That hat is light speed ugly. Take a look at this gallery. Find me one hat in there that you would pay even 10 dollars for and then send me your address so I can visit you and punch you square in the face.
People Who Read The Game Of Thrones Books Need To Shut The Fuck Up
You know who's worse than the people who are spoiling Sunday night's Game of Thrones episode for other people? The people who read the books and won't stop telling you they read the books and keep telling you they JUST COULDN'T WAIT for last night's episode and were waiting around like cartoon villains twisting their mustaches because they knew what was coming and they loved people's reactions because they were exempt because they were all knowing and all powerful because they know how to move their heads top to bottom, left to right and are able to group words together to make sentences.
You know what I think it is? Jealousy. People who read the books are done. They have nothing to look forward to. There's no more mysterious wonder for them. They're jealous of us who are still living in the world of mysterious wonderment known as Game of Thrones season 3. They want to take away our mysterious wonder. Their jealousy might even be subconscious. Or an illness. Whatever it is, I hope it kills them.
Like Jim Gaffigan once said: You know what I enjoyed about the movie? No reading.
Jake Peavy Continues To Be Made Out Of Glass
I love it. Jake Peavy is an injury waiting to happen at all times. It feels like he spends more time on the DL/about to go on the DL than any other player in baseball history, right? His arm is constantly at risk of flying off and hitting an unsuspecting player in the 3rd base dugout. White Sox fans will say, "How's that Edwin Jackson contract going?" or something really creative like, "105 years!". Oh really? How's that eight game losing streak going? What's it feel like to be trailing the Minnesota Twins and Cleveland Indians in your division?
White Sox fans continue to be bitter about being the less popular team in Chicago. Inferiority complex every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Get over it. You're second class citizens and always will be.
PS- Jake Peavy and Jeremy Renner had to be separated at birth, right?
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
I'm Barstool Chicago's Next Intern
Still looking for an intern. 1,000 emails was a terrible way to do it. If you're interested start a blog, update it, and email it to me
— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) June 4, 2013
Big Cat asks, Big Cat receives.
Why am I Barstool Chicago's next intern? Because I'm funny as fuck, that's why.
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